


who you are and what i am...

by Fangirlqueen87



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: A deep conversation between Aaron and Lawrence that is needed, Acceptance, Based on spoilers, F/M, M/M, Talk about Sexuality, couldnt resit editing it in, includes some of last night's dialogue (14/07/16), lawrence needs all the love and care in the world if he will allow it, robron affair thoughts, slight reference to self harm and suicide attempt, those damn parallels we all know a lot about between the boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 04:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7493565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlqueen87/pseuds/Fangirlqueen87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know how it feels to hide who you are Lawrence" Aaron said softly, his mind was racing back to his own life, how he had to hide parts of him all the time once.</p><p>Or</p><p>Aaron and Lawrence talk about Lawrence's struggles regarding his sexuality, where interesting similarities and confessions are laid bare, leaving both with a lot to think about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	who you are and what i am...

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ;) so I wrote this last week and wanted to leave it until nearer the time to upload for some reason, but then I watched last night and I had to add some bits in about what Robert said last night (most of it is in italics!)

Aaron felt the sweat drip down from his face lazily as he tried to get his breath back, Lawrence was stronger than he looked, his tired eyes and shaky limbs made his persona appear weak when Aaron attempted to pull the shotgun from his grip.

Aaron's heart was pounding as he pushed it away from Lawrence finally and held the long gun in his hand, looking up at Lawrence and seeing how defeated he looked all at once. Sam had managed to text him quickly, keeping it short and very Sam like: **Home Farm Lawrence has gun.**

At first Aaron didn't understand why it had anything to do with him but when he approached the estate he saw how careless Lawrence was behaving with the weapon and knew that he could easily hurt himself and maybe because he was gay and well everyone knew know about Lawrence.

Aaron had wanted to leave straight after taking the gun from Lawrence yet he almost couldn't just leave Lawrence in the state he was - vulnerable. He had been there's too many times, over the exact same thing - his sexuality.

Lawrence had begrudgingly took himself back towards the house and Aaron followed behind needing to make sure he wasn't going back for anything else dangerous. Aaron gulped hard as he approached the house, _the_ house. The house that reminded him of secret 'meetings' and rough kisses and long days in bed without the interruption of any other soul. The house managed to scream Robert at him as he walked through the doors and was instantly reminded of the last time he was there, screaming and crying and leaving a sobbing mess of a man who had just destroyed someone's life completely.

"HE WAS WITH ME!"

The words still sent shivers down his spine, he still thought about it all the time and how easily, how _quickly_ things were instantly over as he spoke the words. Aaron sometimes remembered what he was thinking that day too and it made him feel uneasy, he had this hate for Robert swirling around his mind as he slammed out of the house and out of his life, determined to never be able to fall under his spell again.

It had worked, hadn't it. And then Robert changed, gentle and soft and tender with him, more than anyone had ever been, Aaron was being _loved_ for all his faults and failures and it felt ridiculously warm and right and he couldn't deny that feeling - he just couldn't.

Aaron stood awkwardly by the living room doors as he watched Lawrence slouch down on a chair facing away from him.

"You can go now." Aaron could hear the tiredness in Lawrence's voice that pulled him closer towards where he was sitting, he felt sorry for him all at once.

"No, I need to know you're not going to -"

Lawrence scoffed suddenly "Please, I'm not like you..." He said turning towards Aaron and taking him completely by surprise, "I'm nothing like you." He added, a sadder tone to his voice that managed to confuse Aaron entirely.

Slowly Aaron walked towards the empty chair next to Lawrence and slid down into it. All at once he was feeling uneasy, sitting in the house, staring at the sofa that he kissed on for hours. The house was warm back then, now it felt cold, harshly empty and cold.

Lawrence reached out towards a table beside him and began dishing out a large whiskey glass for himself.

"Maybe you shouldn't -" Aaron said, his voice soft and gentle and trying to keep his cool.

Lawrence turned towards Aaron sharply "I can do what I like." He said coldly.

Aaron raised an eyebrow as Lawrence kept his gaze, "Why don't you try practicing what you preach then..." He said with a tad more passion in his voice than before.

Aaron watched as Lawrence began to frown, realising what he was going on about. Aaron had heard, just like everyone else, about Ronnie and who he was in relation to Lawrence. Lovers. _Ex lovers_.

It hadn't taken anyone by surprise _that_ much, Kerry passed a comment like always and even Robert had said something like, "See I knew he fancied me for all those years.”

Aaron had rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's words and ignored them, he didn't understand how Robert seemed to lack any _empathy_ for Lawrence, considering he had been 'outed' a year before. Guilt trickled through him as he thought about how Lawrence must have felt about everyone knowing, it made him think of Robert and how he must have felt when Aaron stormed in and told Chrissie everything.

‘ _I wish I'd seen Lawrence's face._ ' Robert was a lot of things, careless with his words and sometimes nasty with the way he said things but Aaron hadn't expected anything else considering this was _Lawrence_ they were talking about. The man who Robert had respected so badly once upon a time he was willing to stage a break in for, just so that he could play the hero and 'save' in the end, and then was _still_ tossed out by.

Robert hate a deep dislike for Lawrence White.

‘ _He had it coming_ ' - yep, _deep_ dislike and no sympathy at all.

Aaron had thought about how crushingly scary it must have been for Lawrence, for him to hear people gossiping and staring and feeling sorry for Bernice for marrying someone who could never love her. Aaron had been there, obviously not as extreme but he could remember the way people felt sorry for Holly, how she felt sorry for himself and how bad that made him feel. He couldn't help but feel sorry for Lawrence, he just couldn't.

Lawrence moved away from Aaron, turning his head to the side and then towards the ground, "If you mean doing what I like with _him_...then you know nothing about that" he said, not even needing to hear the name and simply knowing already.

 _Ronnie_.

"I know how it feels to hide who you are Lawrence." Aaron said softly, his mind was racing back to his own life, how he had to hide parts of him all the time once.

Lawrence breathed in a little, "I'm not hiding, and I'm _not_ gay."

Aaron hitched his breath, he had heard that before with Robert, he had said that before to anyone around him: Paddy, Adam, Jackson to name a few.

Somehow his mind was back to Robert again, to yesterday and the way he had so easily shrugged off the shocks and the 'ooo's' and 'ahh's' from the villagers.

 _'It's hardly some big shock. The man went to prison for being gay. Guess what? In other news, he's still gay.'_ \- he had this way about him always Aaron thought, a way about him that was just incredibly insensitive at times with no apologises after.

To him it wasn't a big deal at all, to him it was a joke and Aaron didn't understand why it _had_ been such a big deal when it came to himself. When it came to Robert being outed why he continuously told people he was straight when he wasn't, when he _clearly_ wasn't. ' _I always knew. No matter how much he tried to make out he was straight.'_

Aaron had bit back with comparing the situation to Robert and he was shocked by the way Robert was just as quick to point out he was never like Lawrence, as if he was desperate to separate himself from the broken man.

Lawrence looked towards Aaron, "I love Bernice." Aaron moved back slightly because suddenly he was hearing, "I love Chrissie." and Robert was saying the words and his heart was racing. His mind couldn't escape Robert, it was the house that made him think about him, about how he used to be.

"I'm sure you do Lawrence." Aaron said staring at his hands and then back at Lawrence daring to say, "And Ronnie?"

Lawrence's expression almost fell into a distraught sadness, one that gave everything away at once and made Aaron feel even more sorry for him. Aaron turned away for a few seconds allowing the silence to speak volume, until he heard Lawrence clear his throat and mumble, "Ronnie dosent mean anything to me anymore."

_Anymore?_

Aaron's face hardened because even now Lawrence couldn't be honest "Who are ya tryna convince here Lawrence?" Aaron's voice was sharp and unwilling to look over Lawrence's clear denial.

Lawrence stayed quiet, waiting to hear what else Aaron was going to say.

"Listen," Aaron moved towards Lawrence slightly, leaning in and watching as Lawrence turned his head towards him, "I know that, that decades ago being gay was ... was wrong, or seen as unnatural ... illegal above anything else and I can't imagine what it was like for ya, to be in prison for the very thing that would have made ya ... a _target_ in a place like that."

Lawrence tried to act unmoved but the trembling of his hands gave it away as Aaron realised all the memories were flooding back all at once for him, "But if anything, that should have made you want to _live_ as soon as ya could, as soon as you were able to be exactly who you were without...without the threat of prison" he said trying to make Lawrence see an alternative point of view.

Lawrence suddenly sighed, "You make it sound so very easy, as if over night being ... being gay was accepted, was fine ... it wasn't." He said darkly.

Aaron nodded his head, "But you had someone, Ronnie. He loved you didn't he?" He said softly.

Lawrence rolled his eyes, "That didn't help matters, I married, I tried to look past those sort of...feelings I had...and then Ronnie was there, love letters and plans to go away together and be happy somewhere. I couldn't, _we_ couldn't." He said, the memories still there as he spoke, Aaron could see it in his eyes, haunted.

Lawrence let out a small smile, "He told me once, he told me that when he loved, he loved and that was that, he couldn't possibly imagine not loving me and I had no idea what to do." Aaron frowned softly, the words reminded him of something he would think, say, probably to Robert himself, "I was coward, I always had been ... but Ronnie." Lawrence looked up at Aaron. "He was brave, _proud_ of who he was and ... completely unapologetic for his feelings." He said the words with a smile that faded as soon as he was finished.

Aaron smiled weakly before signing, "No one is asking ya to be with him now Lawrence, of course....it would be, be what you deserve after years of having to deny yourself love but...you just have to admit to _yourself_ who you are. Not anyone else, just you." Lawrence squirmed, "I know it's hard, I know...trust me" Aaron let out with a sigh before looking up at Lawrence "But you'll never be happy until ya do..." he said adamantly "You can be happy Lawrence, I thought I'd never be...but I am, and you can too"

Lawrence's face turned harsh, "What with _Robert_?" There was a dark level of humour in his voice that unsettled Aaron entirely, mentioning Robert had been something Aaron had been trying to avoid the entire time because he knew it would cause a rift almost immediately.

Aaron shook his head, "This isn't about Robert -"

"You know when he _cheated_ on my daughter, with _you_...and it all came out and he was alone and unloved, I loved it." Lawrence said suddenly a hint of passion in his eyes, "Somehow it made things better, not because he had hurt my daughter but because he had tried to do what I did, cheat, with a man, and it had ended in a disaster."

Aaron frowned softly as Lawrence continued, "It somehow made me feel better about the fact that I had never given into what Ronnie wanted, to be together because...Robert was the prime example of how being with a man, cheating like that could ruin your life." Aaron was in shock, not quite believing the malice behind his words and the way his mind worked.

"I always saw myself in Robert."

Aaron frowned hard and stared down towards the ground because only yesterday he had been subconsciously comparing the two, charity had as well. 'Just pointing out some similarities.' But almost doing just that was an insult for Robert, a _big_ one, because as he had said he was 'never like him'. Yet now Lawrence was pointing out that they might have been, they might be alike.

Lawrence cleared his throat and sighed "...And then you and him...that came out and I saw even more...and you..." Lawrence looked up at Aaron. "You with your 'proud to be gay' attitude and the way you didn't care what anyone thought, you were  _him_ , _Ronnie_ , you're just like _him_ , and Robert's just like _me_ -"

Aaron frowned harshly and moved further towards Lawrence, "And we're happy" he said eagerly, trying to prove that what Lawrence was trying to say was all wrong and that Ronnie and him could be happy too if he thought they were somehow similar to Robert and himself.

Lawrence heaved his shoulders up and then down again, "You and him...you're doomed, destined to end in tragedy just like me and Ronnie" he said the words without malice now, as if he wasn't exactly wishing it upon them but almost just knowing.

Aaron gulped hard, the words were hitting him like knives but he kept them away because despite them he loved Robert and nothing Lawrence could ever say would change that.

"You're wrong, you're wrong and bitter and...and if you keep thinking that you'll die alone Lawrence, you have to change" Aaron said letting all his emotions out.

Lawrence's head turned towards the floor as he sighed "Robert will never change Aaron, just like me." He announced making Aaron's stomach flip slightly "People like me and him, ruthless, selfish people, we _never_ change" he added slowly.

Aaron hesitated, yesterday had unsettled him slightly, things were perfect, well nearly and then the police and then Robert's 'I'll think about it' that _crushed_ him. It had made him think, just for a second that maybe Robert was still in that mindset that he was before, when he was scared about _them_. Moving in was a big step, a _big_ one and Robert had stared wide eyed and basically turned Aaron down, it had hurt more than he thought it would but then a part of him half expected it, half expected Robert to be wary, like the old Robert used to be.

  
Aaron shook his head, "Stop dragging Robert in with your thoughts" he said feeling suddenly defensive because despite what he _thought_ he wouldn't have anyone else say a bad word about _his_ Robert, the Robert who couldn't stop kissing him and loving him and making him feel _wanted_ , "He _has_ changed, he isn't the same man he was a year ago and everyone's noticed it. And ya know why? Because he _loves_ me, a _man_ and he is happy, he has _accepted_ it." Lawrence stared blankly as Aaron got more and more riled up "We are happy, _happy_ Lawrence" he was hammering home the point and despite the arguments they had and the mess they had made of everything in their life's and the fact that moving in together was probably too soon, Aaron suddenly realised just how _happy_ and _lucky_ they both were to be free to love the way they did.

Free to press their lips together whenever they liked, free to boast about going off to have _more_ sex, free to get caught in the shower and struggle to live it down, _free_.

"And you, you're jealous..." Aaron saw the look on Lawrence's face, suddenly it was lighting up and wide eyed.

" _Jealous_?"

"You hold on, hold on to this belief that me and Robert will end in tragedy because you can't _bare_ the thought of ... Robert being happy, because you see yourself in him and it's like _you_ not being able to be as happy as he is, that _kills_ ya." Lawrence turned away, "You must look at us, two messed up lads and see what could have been for you and Ronnie and you _hate_ that, you _hate_ to look at us and think 'what if?' so you're tryna convince me that Robert and I won't work, to make _yourself_ feel better about never being happy with Ronnie." Aaron spat out the words, they all made sense and it hurt him to think that Lawrence would think that way.

Lawrence raised a hand to his forehead and rubbed harshly, "Get out." He said shakily.

Aaron sighed softly "Lawrence," he mumbled calmed down now, "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to -"

"You can ignore me all you like about Robert never changing, but you know more than anyone that it's a lie, and you're a fool to think that, just like Ronnie is...to come here and tell me he still loved me." Lawrence let the last words slip out slowly before he shook his head.

Aaron rose from his feet suddenly feeling like there was nothing else to say to try and help Lawrence, "You're right, I might be a complete idiot to think that Robert has changed, I might be completely _blinded_ by how much I love him." He had done, in the past, countless times, "But at least I can say I'm not alone, and that I have no regrets." Aaron tensed slightly and then let out a sigh, "That I won't wake up one day twenty years from now regretting the way I denied someone's love for me..." _Jackson_.

"I've done that before and it takes time to get over the millions of 'what if's?' that haunt ya." He said shakily making Lawrence look up at him, "And something tells me, you are no where _near_ over the regret you have Lawrence, you might never be..." Aaron added as he walked towards the door and sighed.

Lawrence's jaw tensed, "Aaron," he said quickly causing Aaron to turn around sharply, "Thank you, for trying." He said slower this time.

Aaron nodded his head because hearing someone say that it would be okay to be who he was and that he would be happy when he did accept it, would have been something he would have desperately wanted to hear when he was shutting that car door and starting the engine all those years ago.

"You're a good man, you _deserve_ to be happy." Lawrence continued as he looked at Aaron and almost felt as if he was talking to Ronnie, thirty years earlier, wishing he had told him the same thing before he chose a wife and a daughter instead of a life with him.

Aaron gulped hard and smiled weakly at Lawrence, "So do you Lawrence, remember that...and don't ever be afraid to be who you are." A parting comment, one that made Lawrence take a sharp intake of breath and look away as Aaron walked out of the house and suddenly was able to breath again.

 

 

 


End file.
